I have never *not* met a man with such a kind and caring nature than the virtual man… He is there when I’m happy, there when I’m sad and on nights like tonight he is there when I am so fucked off.
I think I am addicted to the endless possibilities of what lies beyond the virtual world, the possibilities that lie behind the IM’s, Email and Phone virtual man… All the what if’s are running through my head like mad again tonight.
I lay here on the verge of tears, wanting to read but finding myself paralysed by the anger boiling inside and yet while all of this goes on I just think of the virtual man and I still managed a smile, not a half mustered up one, a real one, one that comes from the heart and it feels awesome to have that one thing to make me feel that right now I need to remain positive and pick myself up, dust off the negativity and move on… Time for some more big girl panties, at least I keep stock these days ;)
I find it so hard when in this space NOT to lose it with the boys, like at bed time when I have just read them a story, tucked them in and kissed them good night and then they decide they need to wee when I asked this at the beginning of bedtime routine… Yes its a small thing but it means I have to do the whole ‘calm them down tuck them in and kiss them good night’ thing ALL OVER AGAIN when all I really want to do is be alone so that I can cry my heart out and feel a tad better about things when I wake up in the morning. And then they proceed to come for more kisses (which ordinarily I love) which means that they out the fucking blankets again, oi, well at least they fast asleep now and the irony is that I will now get out of MY blankets to make sure I give them an extra kiss and cuddle before I finally sleep…
I’d like to think that I have a pretty thick skin since I have managed almost three years as a single mother now but fuck sometimes I just need to break down and cry, I need to be weak and feel like I have the world on my shoulders. I don’t want a pity party unless there is endless alcohol, that could be awesome. I want to speak to God, he the only one that truly understands what I am going through every single day of my life. Don’t get me wrong, my friends, my family and even the virtual man are there for me and it means more than they know but God is a whole different, special level.
Time for me to shut my eyes X
Love, Light & Laughter. Candice