The virtual man no more…

The virtual man became reality, a reality way greater than I ever  imagined :)

And then as life would have it, that reality became shit and I wished that things had stayed in the virtual world where they were happy and great!!

I do not understand, to this day, how someone as fantastic as the virtual man can turn around and do what has been done. Yes I know that he is probably being realistic and thinking with his head instead of his heart but I say bullshit!!! If you never take chances in life then you will never know what could have been and what you are missing out on. Yes, for now, the physical closeness will not be there but why nurture a relationship when you knew that this would be the ultimate issue? Why be so willing and say certain things and then not see them through? I do realise that I am probably seeing things in anger right now… and perhaps one day they will make some sort of sense.

I do not believe that such feelings could have been ‘made up’ and not felt by both parties. I regret actually ever meeting him as it has left me feeling more shit than I ever have in my entire life. Left me with all the what if questions. Left me questioning myself and asking how someone can let something like this go and not hurt by it or not feel like screaming from frustration. Simply moving on without any signs of discomfort…. I believe that in my heart he is dying as much as me and just trying to be strong for the both if us BUT that hurts me a shit load more! Words, when spoken at the wrong time hurt beyond any pain I have ever felt, although I am sure what was said was unintentional, those few little words were a dagger to my heart but perhaps they hardened me at the same time and made me realise that although I never give up this was one thing that I was fighting for that would never be won!

Today I am feeling so shit. So depressed. So heart-broken. I know not how to deal with all the emotions going around in my head. I honestly feel like I have lost one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. And that is not fair. Yes life is not fair and everything happens for a reason so perhaps I just need to get the Big Girl Panties (BIG RED ONE’S) out the closet and deal with it! Sometimes it is not as easy as that, easier said than done.

While I know that there is so much more to life than the virtual man, like my kids being on top of that list, I just cannot seem to get him out my system… it is like he is there and I never want him to leave. Again, perhaps it is like giving up smoking… just need to shut him out for 22 days and then it will be like he never existed?? Possible? Seems more like IMPOSSIBLE right now!!

AND NOW I JUST WRITE…

No thinking, just writing whatever needs to come out. The feelings, the hurt, the anger, the mourning, the passion that is no more.

Every time I think of the first time that I kissed him, the virtual man, I want to cry. I have NEVER felt such magic in my life.. the first time we met, the first time we touched, the first drink together, the first laugh, the first humour… just everything! And every time I saw him after that the excitement was there and it felt like the first time all over again, it was truly magical and an awesome time in my life. I craved your touch, and still do. I felt so safe in your arms and could not keep my hands off you no matter how much I tried. Your kiss sent me to heaven and back, repeatedly. For a long time there was an attraction, prior to meeting, and that attraction intensified so much when we meet. I cannot explain how I felt. How I ached for you… although I think that you felt that and know exactly what I mean.

I could sit for hours on end talking to you and with each conversation you got more and more interesting and more and more attractive… not just a physical attraction, this went much deeper than that. You know when two people look at each other and the world disappears? I felt what that felt like… or perhaps I was delusional again? Perhaps I gave it my all without guarding my heart. Perhaps I dived in too deep? Perhaps I really was disillusioned by all this… I guess in time I will know the answers to those questions. I wholeheartedly felt that I could just be me and that was ok and good enough around you although you made me want to be a better me, you made me so happy, you made me laugh and now you make me cry. I always thought that you were too good to be true and told you that, you always said that you were simply just you. And what a fabulous you, you are!

I don’t even know where to begin to forget you… be your friend. Speak to you without feeling like I just cannot handle it. I hate being your friend. I hate not being able to tell you what I’m really thinking. I hate not being able to tell you about my days and hear about yours. I hate never seeing your smile… which brings me to the fact that perhaps I should delete your pictures off my phone so that a little part of you in my memory, can be erased… bit by bit and I can start healing from the pain that I feel. I cannot explain what I am feeling and sometimes I do not think that my feelings are justified… I mean it is not even like we were an item and yet I changed so much for you in the hope of what could have been. I know that one day I will look back and there will be some sort of lesson taken from this experience… but right now I cannot see that and right now I don’t want to. I prayed for things to be happening differently but alas it went unanswered, and that hurts.

I cannot shake the feeling of connection that I feel toward you, for you. And I am convinced that you feel it too and yet things stay the way that they are with no light at the end of the tunnel. I have no idea how you shut the door with such ease? I know deep down that I need to let go but I am battling to find the inner strength to do that… I don’t want to. I want you. Reminds me of that saying that we always want what we can’t have, so fucking true and I HATE that!! I like you so much but dislike you at the same time… not because of who you are (you are far too fabulous for that) but because of the person that I have become since the door has been closed. I don’t like this person. I loved the person that I was when you were in my life. When you were the flirty man on the other end of the phone and the man who I could hug, kiss and hold in Cape Town. I miss the laughs. The shared thoughts. The magical moments that were shared. You know I always hated Geography in school and now I have more reason than ever… I HATE PE and JHB! I tend to use the word ‘hate’ a lot these days… the days that are without you. The days that I cannot share what is on my mind (like everyday), the days that I pine for you (like everyday), the days that I pray for things ot be different (like everyday), the days that I cry (like everyday), the days that I wish I was as strong as you (like everyday), the days

I have no idea why I feel the way that I feel when you were never even mine, EVER?? It makes no logical sense and yet I cannot stop what I am feeling… hoping that one day I will look back and this will all make sense. Surely it has to at some point?

People in my life just do not understand the connection that I felt toward you… that hurts too because it means that I do not have the support that I need to get through this. They think that it was easy for me to get over you, move on, forget about you and yet I am so far from any of that. So far that I feel like it may never happen. Ever.

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