Reason. Lost. Want.

What the hek is going on, all my plans they’ve come undone.

I’m trying so hard to find a reason to hate you. A reason we should NOT be together. A reason to accept the way that things are. A reason to stop my feelings for you. A reason to smile. A reason to carry on.

I’m in a haze. A complete daze. I do things and wonder how it happened. I have lost my mind. I have lost my soul. I have lost my heart. I have lost you.

I want it back. But most of all I want you. I want to hug you. I want to kiss you. I want to hold your hand. I want to see your smile. I want to hear your laugh.

You say not to ask questions, it creates more hurt… How can I not? What we shared was magical, awesome, the greatest feeling I have ever felt. What is meant to be will be and as they say, ‘If you love something set it free’. I know that I could have loved you. I know I could have grown old with you. I know we would have been awesome together and were just right, in every way. But you and the world have a different take on this… I think I need to start taking a different, perhaps more adult view on life and things like this.

I need to learn to deal with things better. I need to learn to move on. I need to learn to smile again. I need to learn to laugh again. I need to learn to feel whole without you. I need to learn that you were never even mine and accept that.

I feel like a little kid taking its first steps, if only this were as joyous an occasion. Instead I have no support, no one to remind me that it is ok to fall and certainly ok to cry. I have no one to share all these feelings with. All this crazy stuff going on inside of my head. I feel like I have been ripped apart. I feel like a part of me has been cut out and “they” can’t put it back.

And then I remember that you were never even mine? Yet I put my life on hold for you. I waited in anticipation for that first day that we would meet. I wanted to see what would be there. I waited for my next kiss to be with you. I waited to hold your hand. I waited to be embraced in your hug. And it was all so worth it. It made me feel so special… being kissed by you, holding your hand, hugging you! The real goodbyes. You always said that our last goodbye was not forever… and now I wonder??

I’m trying so hard every day to forget little parts of you. It is so hard and I cannot let go. I feel like dying when I try so I don’t try. I never *normally* give up until I have what I want but it seems that I am creating more hurt for myself as you are keeping the wall up and the door shut. I wish that you would crumble. I wish that you would give us a try. I wish so many things. Mostly that things could just be different and we could be in the same city at the same time permanently. I know, and I think you know too, that we would make an awesome couple. Everything just felt right and it was like we had known each other for so long… how can you rob “us” of that?

I just do not understand and I am driving myself completely and utterly mad in the process!!

Anyway, until next time… I try to forget a little each day.


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