Thankful Thrusday

This week has been a challenging one, an emotionally draining one and yet at the same time a fabulous one!

I know that in my post last week I mentioned that I was thankful for my three boys but today I want to more specific. And be thankful for Dylan since it is his birthday week. I always sat and wondered what would be, who he would be, what he would look like, what mannerisms he would have and that in itself brought a smile to my face. He is, of course, way beyond anything I ever imagined.

He was the cutest little baby and I loved carrying him in his sling or walking with him in the pram… anything to show him off to the world. My gorgeous blonde, blue-eyed boy with a mop of hair. I remember laying on the couch with him on my chest. Just the two of us. Beating hearts. Inner peace and strength that we drew from one another. The endless bonding that we had and the precious moments I will never forget.

And then the personality came about and the mannerisms started shinning through. Mom and I used to have so much fun with him. We still do. I remember the first time he spoke, laughed, smiled, sat, crawled and walked. Did I say walk? I meant run, but I will get to that. Sometimes I regret the fact that I was in such a rush for him to grow up, to reach the next milestone but on the other hand he made me appreciate each new one with his brothers and when I reflect on him over the past years I know that although I wished him to grow I still enjoyed the moments as they came. There are so many things that I can recall and yet I find it hard to put them into words… I feel that the words rob them of the value and true feelings of being there. Perhaps I need to work on these words.

Back to the running. It was a few days before his first birthday and he had taken one, maybe two steps, on his own. My tiny boy with his rock star long blonde hair. Dad and Lianne were up from Cape Town for his first birthday and we went to Carnival City to visit them. Saige was there. There were lights, noise and just general excitement. I went to the bar for a quick smoke while you stayed with your father, Grandpa and Saige, Next thing Grandpa phoned me and told me to get outside and FAST. SO… I run out to where you all were and there you were RUNNING after Saige… I could not believe my eyes and the pride that I felt. I was close to tears. You know that happy tears that come with motherhood. I think that you overdid the running/walking thing just to make me proud… you still do that and I love you even more *if that is possible* for it. You aim to please, in sport, school and home life.

Age 11 months… Mom suspects she has a brother or sister for me in her tummy.
Age 15 months… It is confirmed. Mom has TWO babies for me.
Age 16 months… TWO brothers. I was very possessive over them even when they were snug in the tummy.
Age 19 months… I became a big brother. It was love at first sight.
Age 23 months… My world, as I knew it, came crashing down.

I’m sorry that you had to lose your father but I am not sorry that I left him. I left him to give you a better life. To give you a better chance at being the gentleman that I know you are. I left him for you (and your brothers) my precious boy and I just hope that you will understand that but I know that you will. Because you are awesome. My heart broke into a million pieces watching you mourn the fact that your father was not there. Nothing could comfort your broken heart, not even me. You cried and cried and cried some more and then you would sleep and while you slept I cried for you. I questioned my decision but I know it was the right one. Look at us now… three years down the line and the happiest little family alive. Yes you ask questions still and I answer them as honestly as I can. I am so reluctant to let him see you boys once because I know that it will not be a regular thing and that will hurt you more than you are hurting right now. I need you to make your own judgement about him and so I never bad mouth him to you. I assure that he loves you and just lives far away… not too far from the truth. The forgiveness that you have shown toward him makes me so proud of you *again* you are just too awesome my son, may you shine for your whole life.

I am eternally grateful for YOU, Dylan Lloyd Setton xoxox

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