On Monday I went to visit a friend in hospital and we got chatting about life and the changes that take place. It made me really be still within myself and notice my life over the past year. While I have learnt not to live by my past, I don’t think there is anything wrong with a little reflection… especially when those reflections highlight all the positive things in your life.
It has been a whirlwind, it has been non-stop and it has been oh so magical. Why specifically the past year? Well, we will get there…
Over the past year my boys have calmed down, they have found stable male figures that they can look up to, they have dealt with anger, they have come to accept authority a little more and they have grown so much – each of them has grown, internally, into something I ooze pride at. These little people that capture my heart over and over again. They have also become closer than ever, they are the greatest of friends, ‘The Brotherhood Setton’. They have learnt what it means to be a team, and I am loving that they now do things together as it lightens the load.
On a side-note (while mentioning team) – Monday night was the finale of Amazing Race. I haven’t watched this season at all but was hanging washing and the TV happened to be on SABC 3 as the winners crossed the finish line. I felt that the brothers who won really deserved it. This is why, “I will always look back on this race and know that when we are a team we can do ANYTHING” They appreciated the fact that they were a great team and that is what got them across the finish line first.
Over the past year, personally, I have faced many challenges, probably some of the biggest one’s I have ever had to face. I have allowed myself to sink into deep suicidal depression. I went back to cutting. I battled to put food on the table. I gave up on myself in many ways. I questioned my parenting and why I was entrusted with three kids. I questioned my purpose. I questioned my career. I wondered what I have actually accomplished in life. Now, this is a pattern and re-occurs often in my life… this time though, I had major help. I had a support structure unlike ever I have ever experienced.
For the first time in my life I realised that all these things that I face, I don’t have to face them alone. It is absolutely ok to speak to people, to admit to others that I am not coping and need a little help. I have learnt that by speaking to others you realise how many people have faced similar challenges as you, and how they can offer support from a place of knowing… Oh, I am no longer keeping quiet. Not now. Not ever.
So what changed?
I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.
Plain and simple. The best decision I ever made. EVER. I have learnt to “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. – 1 Peter 5:7”. I have learnt to turn to the Bible and not to the blade. I have learnt to build a support network. I have learnt to trust God with all my heart, He is in control and He will provide.
There have been countless blessings since followoing God’s way of life, but that is for another blog post.