So, I am not going to lie, since Wednesday last week I have really been struggling with this thing called Motherhood. I know that it is a season and I know that it will pass, but WOW, I am battling.
Last night I collapsed into bed at 20:00 – literally collapsed. I was beyond exhausted after the boys going non-stop since 5:30am. And I mean, non-stop. Between the three of them it was continuous throughout the day. It honestly felt like as I was done with the one, the next would be asking me to do something – from tying laces, opening and closing draw string bags, taking them to the toilet (one at a time, of course) to opening sweets, holding this, packing that… I am sure you get the picture. That was over and above the normal requests, like, ‘don’t climb on the fence’, ‘don’t run in the road’, ‘watch out for the car’… being their eyes and ears on top of everything else. Yes, these are just things that we do for our kids, they are a given – guess I am just tired in general, emotionally and physically. And when the odds are three to one, it gets exhausting a little quicker. The fact that Grant was particularly moany didn’t help anything at all – the boy is a drama king. He has a strong will, but mine is stronger – and so we rub each other up the wrong way.
So before I actually passed out, I was having quiet time with God and I realised something. You see, yesterday we took part in the Discovery 702 Walk The Talk. We walked as part of the Rainbows and Smiles Organisation – supporting families through childhood cancer. And it dawned on me that yes, being a parent is darn hard and it has its challenges but I need to be grateful that I have three boys that are in perfect health, they hardly ever get sick, and on a whole – they are pretty awesome kids. They have serving hearts, they have manners, they are loving, kind and caring. As I watched three ladies there – each who have lost a precious child to cancer – I saw the pain in their eyes. While I cannot comprehend the pain that they are feeling, I can imagine a pain and then amplify that by a trillion times over – that probably comes close. I can only imagine that each of them would rather have their kids still with them (and driving them up the wall) than have them in Heaven. No mother should ever have to bury their child, and yet, I know this is not up to us.
That hit home for me. It made me think twice about my actions towards the boys. It made me think about how I speak to them, how patient I am (or not) with them. How I really need to work on treasuring and nurturing the time that I have with them. I need to put my struggle aside and deal with it when they are asleep. I need to be stronger for them.
Don’t get me wrong, I count my boys as the biggest blessing in my life, they literally saved me, along with my mother. Without them I
think know I would of been dead years ago. When I found out I was pregnant with Dylan my life did a 360 and I stuck to it and continue to stick to it, on an almost daily basis. The struggle has become easier but it is still there, the past sometimes still haunts me, but less each day.
I thank God for trusting me with them and I pray that I am not doing too much damage when I get caught up in the struggle and gratitude is it an all time low.