For the most part of seven years (eight in February) I have been doing this thing called life alone. And it is hard. It is rewarding on many levels, but hard. I am kind of done doing life alone but I know that it is all in God’s time so I guess I just have to wait it out, because my wildest dreams are so dull in comparison to what He has in store! Doesn’t mean I cannot speak these feelings though.
I will say this – a large portion of those seven years have been without God and that was way harder than with God – He has certainly lifted a large part of the load. Like the fact my boys are confident that they have a Father in Heaven, and that’s the most important thing to them. One day Grant was wearing a t-shirt that said ‘My Dad is my hero!’ (it was a hand-me-down) and some kid – kids are mean – said to him, ‘But you don’t even have a Dad’, to which Grant whipped around and said, ‘Yes I do. God is my Dad.’ – that right there? It has made life so much easier. While their earthly father is coming around and playing a role now, they know that even if he doesn’t, they have God.
The fact that I have these amazing people around me – that help lift me when days are dark – believers and non-believers alike, because I have a balance of both in my life. It certainly helps to have amazing people around, and I have a whole stack of them right now in life – real friends. Not friends that are just around to gain something, but that are willing to give too. That goes for me to, you know. In the past, when I was on drugs, I wasn’t friends with people because it was genuine; I was friends with them because of what I could gain… Not a great thing to have to admit but it was who I was, and I’m grateful I am not there anymore. I am grateful for forgiveness too. I am grateful to be in a Church family where there are a ton of male figures that my boys can look up to – because they need that, they need a model in life that is a male.
On my birthday this year – which was just the best one yet (might need to blog about that) – I got two words about waiting for a husband. It was quite profound, really. And, as usual, it was just what I needed to hear. Words of the Lord comfort me but I am human and my flesh only knows instant gratification. We are microwaving, God marinates. It is a challenging concept for my flesh to grasp but I know that I need to trust totally in Him and His perfect timing.
As usual I have rambled on way beyond what was originally on my mind. It highlights the fact that I really have missed blogging and randomly clearing my mind and getting my thoughts out there.